She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Randomize
