the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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