last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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