I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
