Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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