My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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