Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
