i always forget guys have bellybuttons
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
