I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
