he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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