Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
