i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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