And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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