Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
