Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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