I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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