Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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