4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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