And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
