doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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