Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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