the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
