So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
