Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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