If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This toilet bowl is my home.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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