I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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