My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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