just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you are never too drunk for berry picking
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
