Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
