Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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