You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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