I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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