I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize