If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
