and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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