Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
