I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
