just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
