you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
