party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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