I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
