I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
