I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
