I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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