I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
