I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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