Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
