i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
