From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
