I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Found your dick twin last night
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
