I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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