For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
