i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
