I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
