On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
