Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
