At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
