tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
