just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
