I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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