Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
