i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
